Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
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My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
😬
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.