What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.