I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?