I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
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If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*