That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Yup!
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore