So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.