I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.