How wrong was this guy?
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I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My plans: 2020:
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.