We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
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The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*