Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
i was baptized in a car wash
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv