Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Lol
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.