“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.