Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.