(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
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wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I saw nothing
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”