this is what they would have looked like, though
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Not today. 😅
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year