When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
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guys i’ve cracked the code
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*