*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Maths meets science
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history