glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Where is your GOD now????
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Had an epiphany today.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.