Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house