me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.