Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My inexpensive home security system…
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .