Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.