I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
😅🤣😂
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.