Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No