Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
A little too much information.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities