My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me