I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids