*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.