The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her: