Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
#dnd #ttrpg
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”