It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”