If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is