If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
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satan: not today, microsoft teams
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.