If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
6: are snakes just neck?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.