if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.