I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
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Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease