Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
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Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”