The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll