Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.