My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
You Might Also Like
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Don’t snitch tag.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep