A fake ID that makes you younger
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Seems kinda suspicious
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
United Steaks of America
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number