I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.