The police never think its as funny as you do.
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
What?!?