No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming