Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My Plans 2020
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.