The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me