Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.