I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
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8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
my one true gender
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I’ve been drinking.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…