When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.