I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Butt weight. There’s more!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes